Your Loved One is in Distress. Your Only Instinct is to Help.
Watching your child or loved one in the grip of an obsessive thought is painful. You see their intense distress—begging you to check a lock one more time, or having a meltdown over an object they believe is “contaminated.”
As a parent, partner, or family member, your primary instinct is to protect your child and take away their pain. When your loved one is terrified, your love compels you to do anything to make it stop.
A Note: Accommodation is a natural, loving response to your child’s suffering. It is not a parenting failure. This article is about channeling that powerful love into a new strategy that helps your loved one find long-term freedom.
So, you give in. You check the lock. You say the reassuring words. You buy the “safe” brand of soap. And in that moment, your child feels relief. You both do.
But what if that loving act of reassurance is the very thing giving the OCD its power? This is the “accommodation trap,” and it’s one of the most painful, confusing parts of parenting a child with OCD.
What is OCD “Accommodation”?
“Accommodation” is any behavior that family members or a teacher, performs to help a child avoid distress or complete a compulsion. It’s one of the key ways OCD hijacks the entire family system. The greater the level of accommodation provided by the family, associated with greater symptom severity and functional impairment, increases caregiver distress, and predicts poorer treatment response, while reducing accommodation during therapy links to better outcomes.
It’s not just “giving in.” It’s a broad category of behaviors, often done “just in case” or simply to “keep the peace.”
Common examples of accommodation include:
- Participating in rituals: e.g., washing your own hands in a specific way, checking appliances for them, or using special cleaning products.
- Providing Reassurance: e.g., “Yes, you’re a good person,” “No, that’s not contaminated,” “I promise everything will be okay.”
- Modifying Family Routines: e.g., The whole family stops using a certain word, everyone avoids a “contaminated” room, or food is prepared in a specific, ritualized way.
- Facilitating Avoidance: e.g., Speaking for your child so they don’t have to, letting them skip school on a “bad” anxiety day, or driving a specific route to avoid triggers.
How OCD is Different from “Normal” Childhood Worry
Many parents wonder where the line is between a “quirk,” a tantrum, or typical anxiety and OCD. While a specialist is needed for a diagnosis, here are four key differentiators:
- Intensity & Distress: A child with OCD experiences extreme, often debilitating distress that is far out of proportion to the trigger. A tantrum is often about getting something; an OCD meltdown is about escaping an overwhelming internal fear.
- Repetitiveness & Time: OCD rituals are rigid and repetitive. A key diagnostic sign is that the obsessions and compulsions consume a significant amount of time (e.g., more than an hour per day).
- The “Just Right” Feeling: Compulsions are not enjoyable. They are performed to reduce anxiety, shame, or another unpleasant feeling or nagging feeling that things are not “just right.”
- Impact on Functioning: OCD interferes with life. It gets in the way of school, friendships, family activities, and self-care. “Normal” worries or stubbornness typically don’t shut down a child’s ability to function.
Why Your Love is OCD’s Favorite Fuel
It’s critical to understand this: accommodation comes from a place of love. It is a compassionate and logical response to a child’s suffering. Accommodation is a behaviour that loved ones naturally use to try to help. However, when someone has OCD, the very things that feel supportive can accidentally make the OCD stronger. If you’re not aware of how you’re accommodating, you may unintentionally fuel the OCD and increase your loved ones symptoms.
The problem is that OCD is a disorder of doubt and an intolerance for uncertainty. When you provide reassurance or perform a ritual, you are giving OCD exactly what it wants: certainty and relief.
This short-term relief has a devastating long-term cost. It sends two powerful messages to your child’s brain:
- “The threat was real. That’s why mom/dad had to step in.”
- “You are not strong enough to handle this anxiety on your own.”
Every time we accommodate, we are preventing the “Response Prevention” part of Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP) therapy. We are accidentally teaching the brain that the “fire alarm” (the obsessive thought) was right all along.
The Shift: From “Accommodator” to “ERP Coach”
The goal is not to stop loving your child. The goal is to channel that same powerful love into a new, more effective strategy. This involves a new mindset: Your child’s anxiety is not the enemy; the compulsion is.
Your new job isn’t to make the anxiety go away. It’s to help your child tolerate the anxiety without doing the ritual. This is where specialized parent training comes in, using two gold-standard approaches:
- ERP (Exposure and Response Prevention): This is the behavioral therapy component where the child learns to gradually face their fears (Exposure) without performing the compulsion (Response Prevention).
- SPACE (Supportive Parenting for Anxious Childhood Emotions): This is a treatment for parents. It teaches you how to change your own behaviors and systematically, supportively reduce accommodations.
- Validate the Emotion: Connect with their feeling, not their fear. Instead of “That’s ridiculous,” try “I see how scared you are right now” or “I know this feels really scary right now, and I’m here with you as you get through it.”
- Resist the Compulsion: Calmly and firmly hold the boundary. This is the “Response Prevention” and explain that you are no longer participating in rituals or avoidance, but you will support them as they handle the discomfort.
- Stay Present: Don’t abandon them. Your presence says, “I know this is hard, and I am right here with you while you get through it.” This builds their resilience.
- Work as a team: Family consistency is essential. When everyone responds in predictable, supportive ways, OCD has less room to take control.
What This New Approach Looks Like in Practice
This new way of responding can feel difficult at first, but it is profoundly more supportive.
Instead of Reassurance, Give Validation:
- Old Way (Accommodation): “Don’t worry, the door is locked. I checked it three times. You are safe.”
- New Way (Support): “I see you’re having that scary ‘what if’ thought again. I know that’s so painful. I have confidence you can get through this feeling without checking.”
Instead of Participating, Show Empathy:
- Old Way (Accommodation): “Okay, I’ll wash my hands with the special soap just to make you feel better.”
- New Way (Support): “I know you really want me to use that soap, but I’m not going to help your OCD. I’m going to sit with you while you feel anxious. I’m not leaving.”
Quick Scripts for Parents
- For Reassurance Seeking: “That sounds like one of OCD’s ‘what if’ thoughts. I know that’s so uncomfortable, and I’m here with you while you let that thought pass.”
- For a Checking Compulsion: “I’m not going to check the lock for you, because I know that just makes OCD stronger. I will stay here with you until the worry comes down.”
- For Contamination Fears: “I know you really want me to use that soap, but I’m not going to help your OCD. I’m going to sit with you while you feel anxious. I’m not leaving.”
The new approach is built on key principles:
- You are a Team: It’s you and your child against the OCD. It’s not you against your child.
- Validate the Feeling, Not the Fear: Acknowledge the emotion (“This is so hard!”) without agreeing with the obsession (“…and this soap is truly dangerous!”).
- Support, Don’t ‘Save’: Your presence is the support. Your strength in not accommodating is what teaches them they are strong, too and takes away the power of OCD.
This is Hard for Parents, Too
Learning to resist these urges is as hard for parents as it is for the child. It can feel like you’re being “mean” or “uncaring.” It’s normal to feel guilty or exhausted.
This is why having a specialist to guide the whole family is essential for success. You don’t have to do this alone. Parent coaching gives you a roadmap and a support system to manage your own difficult emotions during this process.
Reducing Reassurance-Seeking
Before: A child asks dozens of times a day, “Are you sure I didn’t touch something dirty?” The parent repeatedly gives reassurance to calm the fear.
After working with an OCD therapist: The parent learns to respond with a supportive but non-accommodating statement such as: “I know this feels uncomfortable, and I believe you can handle the feeling without me answering.” Gradually, the child asks less often, and the parent no longer participates in the reassurance cycle.
Decreasing Participation in Compulsions
Before: A parent must stand in the doorway while the child washes their hands “just right,” or repeat certain phrases for the child to feel safe.
After therapy support: The parent stops participating in the ritual and instead gently encourages the child to complete steps of their ERP plan. For example, the parent remains outside the bathroom and uses a script like:“I’m not going to help OCD with this, but I’m here while you practice your skills.”
Scaling Back on Avoidance Behaviours
Before: Families avoid parks, stores, or rooms in the home to prevent triggering OCD fears. Everyone adjusts their life around the OCD.
After therapy support: The therapist helps the family reintroduce avoided activities gradually. Parents support exposures by saying, “Let’s practice going to the store together. I won’t help with checking or cleaning, but I’ll support you in facing the discomfort.”
Reducing Excessive Reassurance About Contamination or Harm
Before: A partner constantly reassures, “The stove is off,” “You didn’t hurt anyone,” or “Your hands are clean,” dozens of times per day.
After working with an OCD therapist: The partner learns supportive but firm responses such as: “I know this feels really distressing, and I believe you can sit with the uncertainty. I’m not going to reassure you.” Over time, the adult with OCD relies less on their partner to feel safe and begins using ERP strategies instead.
Before: Loved ones repeatedly reassure their partner (“I love you,” “You’re sure about me”) or avoid topics that trigger relationship doubts.
After: With guidance from a trained OCD therapist, loved ones step back from reassurance and support their partner in tolerating uncertainty. Over time, the OCD weakens, and both the individual and the relationship become stronger.
A Helpful Medical Analogy: Pain Medication and Healing
Imagine your loved one has a broken leg. The pain is intense, so the doctor prescribes medication to manage the discomfort. In the short term, the medication helps them cope, just like reassurance or participating in compulsions helps someone with OCD feel calmer right away.
But if the only thing the person ever does is take pain medication, without actually putting weight on the leg, doing physiotherapy, or allowing the bone to heal properly, the leg will remain weak. They may even become more dependent on the medication to function.
Family accommodation operates the same way. It soothes the immediate distress, but it prevents the person with OCD from strengthening their ability to tolerate anxiety, face intrusive thoughts, and resist compulsions. Over time, the OCD becomes stronger, more demanding, and more central in the family’s life, much like an unhealed leg becomes harder and harder to use.
Just as a doctor would eventually guide someone to reduce pain medication so the body can do the work of healing, your therapist will help you gradually step back from accommodating OCD. This isn’t about withholding support , it’s about offering the right kind of support so your loved one can build the skills they need to recover and so you, as a family, can regain your own well-being.
A Deeper Dive: Safety, Siblings, and Schools
Loved ones often ask, “When is a rule a ‘real’ safety measure vs. an accommodation?” This is a critical distinction.
Everyday Rules or Routines
- Typical/Everyday rules: Most people have flexible routines to organize their day, like checking emails once before leaving work or keeping a tidy desk. These rules are practical and don’t cause distress if skipped.
- OCD rules: People with OCD feel rigid, “must-follow” rules that reduce anxiety but interfere with life.
Example: “I have to check my email three times before leaving” or “I must straighten books until they feel perfectly aligned.”
2. Rituals
- Compulsive Rituals OCD: Repetitive actions done according to OCD rules to relieve anxiety. OCD rituals are repetitive behaviors or mental acts performed to reduce anxiety or prevent feared outcomes. Unlike typical routines, they must be done “just right,” and not completing them often causes significant distress.
Example: Re-reading an email several times, rearranging objects repeatedly, or mentally repeating a phrase.
3. Safety-Seeking Behaviors
- Typical/Everyday rules: Simple precautions, like locking a door or double-checking an important task occasionally.
- OCD: Repeated behaviors—often by the individual or loved ones—intended to prevent feared outcomes, which unintentionally reinforce OCD.
Example: A partner repeatedly reassures, “Yes, you sent the email correctly,” or re-checks the desk arrangement multiple times.
4. Compulsions
- Typical/Everyday rules: Completing a task to finish it properly (like proofreading an email once).
- OCD: Repetitive behaviors or mental acts performed to neutralize anxiety; they provide temporary relief but maintain OCD.Example: Rewriting the email several times, rearranging objects repeatedly, or counting actions to feel “safe” or “right.”
Why it matters:
Seeing the difference between normal routines and OCD-driven rules helps families recognize when support may unintentionally maintain OCD. With guidance from a trained therapist, loved ones can reduce accommodations, encourage tolerance of uncertainty, and help the individual regain control over their life.
Preschoolers:
- Re-reading a bedtime story in an exact way until it feels “right.”
- Parents answering repetitive questions to reduce anxiety.
School-Age Children:
- Buying specific “safe” foods to prevent distress.
- Checking homework repeatedly to reassure the child that nothing is wrong.
Teens:
- Facilitating avoidance of social events or stressful situations.
Providing reassurance about existential, moral, or relationship obsessions.
Young Adults / Early Adulthood:
- Repeatedly seeking reassurance about work, relationships, or life decisions.
- Performing rituals with loved ones, like checking tasks, rearranging items, or reviewing plans.
Mid-Adulthood:
- Avoiding situations that trigger anxiety, such as social events, travel, or certain conversations.
- Loved ones adjusting routines or schedules to reduce the adult’s distress.
Older Adults:
- Engaging loved ones in repeated reassurance about health, safety, or morality.
Performing mental rituals, reviewing past actions, or following strict daily routines to feel “safe.”
Key Point:
OCD accommodation changes with age and development and can morphes over time. What may start as a small reassurance or routine for a preschooler can evolve into more complex patterns in school-age children, teens, and adults. With guidance from a trained OCD therapist, loved ones can gradually step back from these accommodations while supporting the individual in tolerating anxiety, resisting compulsions, and building independence.
OCD doesn’t just affect the person experiencing it but also has a significant impact on siblings. Brothers and sisters may feel neglected as parents devote more time to managing OCD symptoms, and they often experience worry, guilt, or frustration over their sibling’s distress. Some siblings may participate in OCD-related behaviors, such as helping with rituals, providing reassurance, or avoiding certain activities, which can unintentionally reinforce the OCD. Others may develop their own avoidance patterns or feel restricted by family routines, which can affect social opportunities, hobbies, and school performance. Over time, growing up with a sibling with OCD can influence coping styles, emotional regulation, and family relationships. With support from a trained OCD therapist, families can help siblings establish healthy boundaries, reduce involvement in OCD behaviors, and maintain their own well-being, while still offering compassion and support to the affected family member.
Parents can play a crucial role in helping siblings understand and cope with OCD. Simple, honest, and age-appropriate explanations help siblings feel informed and included without taking on responsibility for managing OCD.
For example, parents might say:
- “Your brother/sister has OCD, which makes their brain feel very worried about certain things. It’s not your job to fix it.”
- “Sometimes your sibling might need to do things in a special way because of OCD. You don’t have to help them, and it’s okay to say no.”
- “We love both of you and want to make sure you feel safe, heard, and supported too.”
Why therapy or support for siblings is important:
Siblings can experience stress, guilt, or frustration as they navigate family routines influenced by OCD. Therapy or sibling-focused support helps them:
- Understand OCD and why accommodations happen.
- Learn healthy boundaries and ways to cope without participating in rituals.
- Express their feelings safely and reduce anxiety or resentment.
- Maintain a balanced relationship with their sibling and other family members.
With guidance from a trained OCD therapist, siblings can feel empowered, emotionally supported, and less burdened, which benefits the entire family system.
A united front with the school is key. You can add a simple line to your child’s IPP or IEP plan.
Communicating with your child’s school can help create understanding and support for their needs without reinforcing OCD behaviors. Parents can start by sharing age-appropriate information about OCD, explaining that it is an anxiety disorder that can make their child feel very worried about certain thoughts or routines. It’s important to emphasize that accommodations at school should support learning and safety, not enable compulsions or avoidance.
For example, parents might say to teachers:
- “My child has OCD, which can make certain tasks or routines very stressful for them. They may need guidance on managing anxiety, but we’re working with a therapist on strategies to reduce compulsions.”
- “We want to make sure accommodations help them participate fully in school, rather than avoiding tasks or asking for repeated reassurance.”
With collaboration between parents, teachers, and therapists, schools can implement appropriate supports—like extra time for assignments, quiet spaces to manage anxiety, or structured guidance for exposures—while helping your child practice coping skills and independence. Open communication helps your child feel understood, reduces stress, and ensures that OCD does not interfere unnecessarily with learning or social development.
What to Expect from OCD Therapy at LUWG
We are here to support your entire family. Our approach is collaborative, evidence-based, and compassionate.
For Children and Youth:
The first session begins with a parent-focused meeting, where parents share the child’s history, current symptoms, and how OCD (or related concerns) affects daily life and family routines. This allows clinicians to understand the context, identify family accommodations, and gather detailed information that will guide assessment and treatment planning.
For Adults:
The first session focuses on obtaining a thorough history of symptoms and their impact on the individual and family life.
Assessment Phase:
In the following sessions, typically 5–7 in total, clinicians complete a detailed assessment to determine whether OCD is present and to identify any co-occurring conditions such as anxiety or depression. During this phase, families may receive at-home homework to better understand symptom patterns and family accommodations. Information gathered during the assessment also informs the treatment plan, ensuring it is tailored to the individual’s needs.
Next Steps for Moderate to Severe OCD:
If the assessment indicates that OCD is moderate to severe, a referral to our nurse practitioner specializing in OCD may be recommended to provide additional support and guidance for evidence-informed treatment. If you are on medication and it does not align with OCD treatment guidelines, a referral will also be made in consultation with you.
Our Specialized Team:
You need a therapist with specialized training. Our team members have advanced training in ERP, SPACE, and treating OCD and anxiety disorders. Our specialists include:
- Dr. Melody Morin (Registered Psychologist and Ex/RP provider and SPACE trained)
- Dr. Mercy Ex/RP provider and SPACE trained
- Janelle Downing-Baker (Canadian Certified Counsellor Ex/RP provider)
- Payton Lundquist (Registered Psychologist Ex/RP provider)
- Darielle Rairdan (Registered Provisional Psychologist Ex/RP provider)
How We Work:
We offer both in-person and virtual therapy to fit your family’s needs.
Readiness for OCD Treatment
At Level Up Wellness Group, we recognize that readiness for treatment is a key factor in successful outcomes. ERP and other evidence-informed OCD treatments require active participation, consistent practice, and a willingness to face anxiety-provoking situations. When an individual or, in the case of children, their family is ready to engage fully, therapy is more effective, progress is faster, and results are more lasting.
Why Readiness Matters:
- Ensures the individual and family are prepared to actively participate in ERP exercises.
- Reduces the risk of frustration, avoidance, or incomplete progress in therapy.
- Helps clinicians tailor the approach to meet the person where they are, balancing support and challenge.
At Level Up Wellness Group, we take time during the initial sessions to assess readiness and provide education about OCD, ERP, and the role of family accommodations. This ensures that both the individual and their support system are equipped, confident, and motivated to engage fully in treatment.
Commitment to OCD Treatment and the Risks of Avoiding Engagement
Effective OCD treatment, particularly Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP), requires consistent effort and active participation from both the individual and, for children, their parents or caregivers. ERP works by gradually exposing the person to feared thoughts or situations while preventing compulsive responses, helping the brain learn that anxiety naturally decreases and feared outcomes are unlikely.
For Parents:
Supporting a child in ERP means resisting the urge to provide reassurance, complete rituals, or accommodate OCD behaviors. It involves guiding the child through exposures at home, tracking progress, and providing encouragement without taking over.
For Adults:
Active engagement includes practicing homework exercises, completing exposures consistently, and tolerating the temporary discomfort that arises. Partial participation or avoidance slows progress because OCD thrives on reassurance and avoidance.
Risks of Not Committing:
- OCD symptoms may persist or worsen, as avoidance and compulsions reinforce anxiety.
- Family stress and tension can increase due to continued accommodation or reassurance.
- Inconsistent practice can lead to slower progress, relapse, or prolonged treatment.
- Daily functioning, independence, and quality of life can remain limited.
Why Commitment Matters:
Recovery from OCD is a collaborative process. Fully committing to ERP maximizes treatment effectiveness, weakens OCD patterns, and allows the individual and their family to regain control, reduce distress, and improve overall well-being.
OCD often occurs alongside other mental health or neurodevelopmental conditions, which can influence how symptoms present and how treatment is planned. Common co-occurring disorders include anxiety disorders, depression, ADHD, tic disorders, eating disorders, and personality disorders. Autism spectrum disorder (ASD) can also co-occur with OCD, and when it does, it can affect symptom expression, routines, and family dynamics. Identifying these co-occurring conditions is important because it helps clinicians tailor treatment, address the full range of challenges, and support both the individual and their family more effectively.
Common Co‑Occurring Disorders with OCD & Their Rates (Depends on Research)
- Other Anxiety Disorders: ~ 76% of people with OCD also have another anxiety disorder.
ERP for OCD - Depressive Disorders: Around 63% of individuals with OCD experience a depressive disorder. ERP for OCD. Specifically, Major Depressive Disorder is common (e.g., ~41% in some samples). ERP for OCD
- Tic Disorders: Up to ~ 30% of people with OCD have a tic disorder. ERP for OCD
- Attention‑Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD): About 10.2%- 30% of individuals with OCD have ADHD
- Substance Use Disorders: Around ~ 26% have a lifetime substance use disorder. ERP for OCD
- Eating Disorders: Eating disorders overlap, though the exact “OCD → ED” direction is more studied in ED samples. PubMed
- Personality Disorders: Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder (OCPD): ~ 23–32%. ERP for OCD
Autism (ASD):
- Research shows that 17%–37% of autistic individuals also have OCD. buildingblockstherapy.org+3divinestepstherapy.com+3PMC+3
- In one large epidemiological study, individuals with OCD had a nearly 4‑fold increased risk of later being diagnosed with autism. PubMed
How We Measure Progress:
At Level Up Wellness Group, we use a variety of tools in the early stages to assess the presence and severity of OCD symptoms, as well as any co-occurring conditions such as anxiety or depression using evidence informed and evidence based tools. We also evaluate family accommodations the ways loved ones may be inadvertently supporting OCD and the overall functioning of both the client and the family. These assessments provide a clear baseline, helping us track progress over time and guide individualized treatment planning.
When to Seek Urgent Help
This article is for informational purposes. If your child is in crisis, please seek immediate help.
Alberta Crisis Lines:
- Emergency: 911
- Suicide Crisis Helpline (Canada-wide): Call or text 988
- Health Link: 811
- AHS Children & Youth Mobile Crisis Response (Edmonton): 780-407-1000
- AHS Mental Health Help Line: 1-877-303-2642
You Love Them. This is the Most Loving Thing You Can Do.
You did not cause the OCD. You responded to it in the most human way possible. By learning to resist accommodation, you are giving your loved one the greatest possible gift: the chance to learn that they are capable, resilient, and stronger than their anxiety. You are helping them get their life back.
If this sounds familiar, you are not alone, and there is a clear, evidence-based path forward.
If you prefer to talk, or if reading this feels overwhelming, please call us. Our team is here to help you find the right path for your family. You can reach our Client Relations team at 780-886-4345.
